First of all, he can’t keep it in his pants. His one trip to the past does make a large mess, but much of the disaster that is Ulrich progresses in a straightforward, linear fashion. Ulrich accomplishes the rather stunning feat of being the third messiest trash heap in all of Winden while only time-traveling once and doing no dimension-hopping whatsoever. Still, Jonas edges out Martha for the top spot because there is no seduction of a close biological relative on her part. Tannhaus’s family and immediately think, “Oh no, they’re going to cause the car accident, aren’t they?” That is how messy they are. I challenge you to find a single Dark diehard who did not watch Jonas and Martha materialize in the origin world to save H. But turning your home town into a genealogical Gordian knot spanning three centuries because you’re in an epic battle with your ex over whether your offspring should be protected at all costs or destroyed at all costs really raises things to a whole new level of flaming disaster.Īs Jonas tells Martha, “We’re a perfect match,” and generally speaking it’s true. Look, break-ups are often messy, especially when there’s a kid involved. ![]() “I NEVER LEARN” should be tattooed on his forehead as a warning to others. Why not tie the noose for him while you’re at it, you absolute fool. Then, he goes on to inform the man of the exact nature of his death, handing him the suicide note he had not yet written or even conceived of writing. First, he confronts the man about his suicidal intentions and fails to realize that Michael’s confusion at the accusation is a clear indication he has no such intentions. Perhaps no moment in Dark exemplifies Jonas’ assclownery better than his attempt to prevent his father’s suicide. He only stops this nonsense once he’s lost most of his humanity to his “Adam” persona and becomes the instigator of the mess-making instead of the pawn following instructions, which is just the other, equally bad side of the trash-fire coin. There’s him masquerading as a cunning time-traveling mastermind for however-old-he-is-by-the-time-he-looks-like-a-golem years without ever stopping to consider that the gigantic knot symbolized by a literal triquetra involves three variables and not two.Īnd then there’s the fact that every time a mysterious older time-traveler shows up and tells young Jonas to do something, swearing it will make things better, he complies to the letter, is dismayed with the results, and then repeats the process all over again. He even uses time travel to ensure he makes his interest known before romantic rival Bartosz does. There’s him knowingly seducing his own aunt (which even Jon Snow didn’t do). Jonas Kahnwald / “Adam”įully cataloging the extent of Jonas’ messiness would be an article by itself, so let’s just hit some of the finer points. WARNING: Spoilers for all three seasons of Dark ahead. In the spirit of ending strong, this ranking starts with the biggest messes first and saves the good eggs for last. ![]() We finally have all the info needed to separate the true trash kings and queens from the merely untidy plebs, and to spotlight those few MVPs who really tried, if not always successfully, to keep their shit together. Now that Dark has come to a wonderfully satisfying end, we can reflect on the full picture painted by the wonderfully twisted tale. That being said, there are still certain individuals who stand out as far messier than others. With all this in mind, it is perhaps not surprising that so many of the fictional German town’s residents are, in a word, messy. As it turns out, when you mix time travel and a small community, you get a whole lot of incest and the most convoluted genealogies ever depicted on screen. The gene pool of Winden, the main setting of the Netflix original series Dark, is a bit of a bog.
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